True stories

 Four year old, examining my photo ID/ nametag from last year with my buzzed hair: Is that your grandma?

Me: …..

Different four year old, playing with playdoh: This is a cookie.

Me: Ooh, what kind of cookie?

Him: Mine.

Coffee on my couch

To say that my great-grandmother’s end table residing at the left end of our couch is loaded would be a generous understatement. The faithful little table is overrun. However, there are three coasters on it in varying degrees of… coverage… and I do use them religiously. 

This morning, I got myself situated into my lymphedema pump which consists of a vest and a sleeve which zips down past my right and dominant hand. It has three several feet-long hoses which connect to an air compressor, and it runs three programs of varying lengths. Today, I selected the shortest, a half hour, and once I was all zipped up, I settled into my spot on the couch and reached for my fresh mug of coffee. 

It’s about 5:35 in the morning, dark outside, quiet inside. I have one, maybe two glorious sips after managing, with my left hand, to maneuver the mug so I could hold it by the handle without disturbing anything else on my Jenga game of a coffee table, even as I thought, “I’ve gotta clean that over Labor Day weekend.”

One sip, two sips max, when a spider, you guys, a fast, black, striped spider scurries down my right leg!

Thankfully, I’m not a screamer- I’m more like Nala from The Lion King, “I laugh in the face of danger, hahahahaaaaa!”- but let me tell you, there went sips three, four, five, six, seven, eight, and nine as I swept and swatted with my pump-encumbered right arm whilst my mug jiggled in my left hand!

And now I need to wash the couch cover after I’ve typed this on my phone with one finger because my right arm is still in the pump sleeve.

AND, do you believe that I saw that lecherously leering with all 8 eyes little creep somehow end up BEHIND me and scuttling over the back of the couch?! “I dunno where he go-ed” as my kids would say, but now I’m awake, and so is the couch thanks to its caffeine baptism, but miraculously the end table is unscathed!

May your day be only full of GOOD surprises…

And another thing

 It smelled like skunk when we stepped outside this morning, but I’m flummoxed as to why it smelled like Doritos at the bus stop. What is going on today?!

A fruit fly on top and grounds on the bottom

 I dunno how your hump day elixir of magic beans turned out, but I found a drowned fruit fly floating in mine. Once I fished the carcass out and savored my sips, I got to the bottom of my cute little mug of creamy deliciousness where I had grounds at the bottom. Supposedly you can tell futures from tea leaves… what are my coffee bean grounds predicting, I wonder?

Random thoughts from my brain

 HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO OUR MAUDIE!

We hope your day is terrific and we love you! 💕🎂🍔

***

Another fact-based life lesson:
#1 Yesterday I went for a long walk.

#2 Yesterday I weeded.... no good deed goes unpunished.

#3 Yesterday I spent a good bit of time on our front porch swing.

Last night before my shower, I counted scores of bug bites. And yes, I sang this song:

Conclusion: I am apparently deliciously irresistible and MUST wear bug spray in the great outdoors. Why this lesson bears repeating is beyond me as you'd think someone who gets as thoroughly devoured as I do would remember to put on the dang bug spray! I wonder if word has gotten out somehow that I'm on blood thinners and can now be sipped from with the greatest of ease. Do insects use their own secret hobo signals, do you suppose? What would the sign be for BUG OFF!?

These are the facts

 #1 A friend brought a flower bouquet to our Christmas in July party.

#2 Thing Two has gone through at least 7 tissues this morning.

#3 He did not take allergy meds yesterday.

Conclusion, in his own words: 

One of these days I'm gonna sneeze out my esophagus. 

It's so easy... to be unbelievable...

 I don't know how other people manage inside their own brains, but mine apparently had orders to travel every segue that can be taken via music. Or a movie line. Or a sitcom quip.

For instance, this morning I mused to myself, not even out loud, about "it's so much easier to not have to deal with Bosley in the morning."

Bos is at the family farm, thanks to the kindness of my father-in-law, who watched him during our family get together and the following Christmas in July party. We haven't reclaimed him yet, hence the "it's so easy..."

Which is precisely where my brain pivoted. I've had a running chorus of "It's So Easy" in my head all morning. Not the Linda Ronstadt one. Not humming about falling in love. The Guns N' Roses version, which according to a quick search is about how the band's popularity was skyrocketing yet they had no money and were living off the excess of others. At any rate, I'm quite sure I was mostly unaware of the lyrics despite the hook of the tune.

I've also been ignorant of actual lyrics to other songs. I have at least one close friend who is in that boat with me, blissfully singing along at the top of our lungs, only to discover that we are singing wildly incorrect words. My favorite example is one we absolutely knew but had apparently completely forgotten: substituting "finally" for Journey's "Faithfully" much to our merriment! In case you can't quite get there, it would be, "I'm foreveeeer yoooooours...finally." Maybe we should have made a remix.

Now you'll never hear it the other way again. You're welcome.

Another song I'd been called out for mangling was when I substituted "how was I" for OMC's "How Bizarre." I know. That didn't make any sense to me either, but perhaps enough people were in the boat with me to make the band a one-hit wonder. Also catchy, never knew the lyrics, whatever. Man, I miss the days and bands who would print the lyrics on the insides of their paper labels of the cassette tape or CD! I devoured those!

In terms of long-distance anything, Dada and I look at each other and crack up, repeating Coach Calhoun's line to Danny Zuko in "Grease" about stamina and "long-distance running.. cross-country running," complete with arm movements.

Or when anything is, frankly, unbelievable, then how can you NOT go with Liam Dunn's line to Madeline Kahn in "What's Up, Doc?" 

Have a terrific week, however you like your lyrics!

And I take no credit whatsoever for the video- just borrowed it from YouTube. Go rent the movie. It is a HOOT!