Don’t let the cheerful pose fool you. Monday was hard and I was a hot mess. Radiation is going fine- it’s going really well, actually- and after today I will only have 10 sessions to go. More about that in a minute.
I had a follow up PT appointment with the three kinds of measurements to see how I’m healing from the surgery last fall. My arm felt much better to me this time whereas it had felt tight last month, not like I-exercised-and-need-to-stretch tight but more like sausage-in-a-casing tight. It didn’t LOOK swollen, but it felt like it was to me, so I was unsurprised when my numbers were a bit higher. The team said not to stress, that I’d come off of chemo and so forth so there were other factors and that they’d see me in a month.
Being that it felt more normal, I was blindsided when the numbers came back even higher. It still isn’t in the lymphedema range, and the gal running the tests saw my whale-eyed expression and hastened to assure me that radiation causes inflammation and it’s okay and I’ll wear a sleeve for 4-6 weeks and they will reevaluate, reminding me that “you can do anything for 4-6 weeks” which is exactly the advice I personally have given other people but said “a year”.
I took it as punishment in a sense versus something preventative that will benefit me. It’s FINALLY tank top season and here I am in a long sleeve after all winter of wearing two layers and freezing. The compression garment boxes tout them as being inconspicuous but to me they’re butt ugly and of course there are “trend colors” on their website but who knows if insurance would pay for a fun one and why would I want one when gosh darn it I’m only wearing it for 4-6 weeks anyway? Once we left, I cried. I was so furious to need it after the surgery didn’t go my way necessitating the lymph nodes’ removal in the first place that increased the risk of lymphedema. Just so mad and betrayed. Stupid body. Get it together!
Then I thought about how many people out there have worse diagnoses and was a little ashamed of myself. Here I have this fabulous team working with me proactively and I’m throwing tantrums. Then some of you so quickly chimed in about being allowed to vent and that tears are healthy and so forth, and thank you. I’m better.
Yes, it’s ugly.
Yes, I’d prefer to go without.
No, I don’t really think I need it. Yes, I will wear it anyway to give myself the best shot at not ending up with lymphedema.
So when I talk about my Sausage Casing, this is what I mean. I should probably reframe it as my Anti-Sausage Sleeve, but I suspect I’ll oscillate back and forth depending on mood. I had better not end up with funky tan lines, because we all know those are a priority! 🤣 I also learned real quick to make sure the tag on the sleeve goes against my outer arm instead of trying to bunch into my armpit all day. The gauntlet is tagless and they’re made by the same company. Go figure.
For those of you still praying, thank you bunches. My skin is still doing very well, is intact and not blistered, and only a bit pink even. Please keep them coming and thanks for being patient in waiting for news.
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