A whole lotta BLEAAAAAAAH.

People ask how I'm managing with the surgical countdown. Usually I say, "I try not to think about it." I told my brother I wanted to amend my answer. 

I told him I was a complete stress ball. He guessed, "active mind?" Yep. He gave me a beautiful, completely appreciated compliment on how I'm dealing with everything.

I still want to bite things.

I think mostly the two emotions are mad and scared. I don't even know why about the scared: I have an excellent team who know that they're doing, who have Plan A and Plan B and could certainly wing a Plan C, D, E if needed. The procedure that only potentially would be done would be one that should help me, not harm me further. Yes, needles are involved and that's never my favorite thing, and yes, the recovery isn't going to be fun, but all of that is just temporary and I know it. So where's the fear coming from? It can just go on back there. Bah.

The anger is easier to understand because there's many reasons. In no particular order:

-I already had cancer once, for cryin' out loud!

-I won't be able to drive for at least two weeks because of the surgical drain(s) and maybe longer depending on how easily the incision(s) heal. That means there's a whole bunch of trips in real life that I can't accomplish.

-I do NOT want chemo again! I don't want to have to learn about new drugs, new side effects, deal with months of diarrhea, hair loss, appetite disruption, you name it, and again more of not driving myself.

-I despise being dependent on everybody else.

-It wastes so much TIME! I have better things to do that sit hooked up to an IV to get weeks of meds! I have a family to take care of and friends to love on and walks to take! Look at me spiraling out about results we don't even have yet. Like I learned nothing about stressing over "what ifs" from the first time around. Sheesh.

-I don't want to have to rebuild muscle and flexibility and strength. I did yoga for years after the first surgery and now I'll have to work back up to even what I was doing! It's so frustrating to lose that flexibility, extension, mobility.

-In my prayers yesterday I thought angrily, "I don't WANT to use all that to glorify You," and that stopped me. Full stop. Do I really mean that? Do I really not want to use something potentially so messy and hard to not help point others to the love I have in Christ? No. But do I want to go through it? Also no. Of course not. Nobody signs up for that. 

I talked with my tribe about not wanting to have anyone doubt their faith because of whatever outcome I face, meaning if everyone is praying that I only have to have the first part of surgery but I then end up having the whole shebang, I don't want anybody to think they should have prayed more or harder or anything like that. My tribe says that's not my responsibility and that people know that God's not a genie and that just because they pray one way doesn't mean it won't be answered differently. They're right, I know. But I don't want- not even for one second- someone to use what happens or doesn't happen to me as an excuse to turn their back on Jesus, to say, "well, clearly He doesn't even listen so why bother?"

All of which brings to mind a post that has been rattling around in my head for months. Telling and texting people about this second diagnosis resulted in many variations of, "I'm so sorry and I'm so mad for you and I'm trying to not tell you what I really think about all this because I want to use bad words." So let's pivot.

Bad words. I don't know where I read it, but I know I read that saying a bad word when you've been hurt makes you feel better. And even more fascinating: the wife of a couple we are friends with had a stroke several years ago. She was speaking to her husband and not making sense. He asked her to repeat herself and he still couldn't understand her. He asked again, and she swore, and he said that came out crystal clear. He asked her doctor about it and got the reply that those bad words come from a different part of your brain and can be unaffected! Isn't that crazy amazing?

So why are we talking about this? Well, one, I want my friends to be able to say anything to me. I appreciate that my more sensitive ones ask first, but I truly want to know what you're actually thinking and feeling. Does that mean I want to hear you swearing like a sailor every time we talk? No, but you already knew that. But if you're venting, I am absolutely okay with you using the words you're really feeling. Get them out. Be real. I am still going to love you. I can also send my friend Mike your way- he is EXCELLENT at this!

And to extrapolate, if I am still going to love you, which I am, how much more understanding is God going to be if you drop an F bomb when you drop something on your foot? If you think that He is going to be all huffy and offended, then, my friend, you need to cultivate a broader view of the Almighty. He's keeping planets spinning- He remembers that we are dust. It is not going to be the end of the world if you have a cloud of piratey talk above your head when your life is falling apart. He gets it. He just doesn't want you to STAY there under that cloud. He wants to help.

Since someone is thinking it, let me beat you to the punch. Some of you are thinking of Ephesians 4:29 even if you don't know its address. It's the variations of:

 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 

Yes, it says "any" and there's a "but only" in there. Full disclosure, I have zero theological degrees. I can tell you that Ephesians 4 has two headings, if you will, and they are "Unity and Maturity in the Body of Christ" and the 29th verse falls into the "Instructions for Christian Living" part. Verse 25 says:

"Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body." 

To me, that goes back to the "if we're going to share, let's be real and SHARE" part. Truthfully. Not "I'm fine" when IT WAS NOT FINE. Think how much deeper our relationships could become if we were all actually real with each other and shared struggles instead of muddling along alone, being mad that nobody is helping and forgetting that nobody can read minds and we didn't tell them what we're dealing with! Essentially the chapter is about how to have community and everyone knows that is by building one another up instead of pointing fingers, blaming others, making a mess and not cleaning it up, and so on. Community is where you feel home, cherished, appreciated, respected and loved. We all long for that. We rob ourselves and each other of it when we are fake or standoffish or afraid to let others help. Guess what. People love to help! Sometimes they just don't know where to start. Give them a chance!

My point is that God is big enough that He's not going to stroke out if you use strong language. Does that mean I'm giving you permission to be obscene? Not at all- the rest of the verse teaches that the majority of our talk should be building others up and creating community, not being so profane that nobody wants to ever listen to anything we have to say. Pay a real compliment. You know how good it feels to receive one. 

(Not even kidding; my watch just dinged with the headline, "Here's how Trump has used debates to belittle women." How timely. Sometimes technology scares me.)

I guess the point is that what comes out of our mouths and hearts is our choice. I'm advocating sensitivity and realness. Be genuine. Bart Simpson, I feel, made socially acceptable the saying, "it sucks." I know some people take issue with that phrase, but to some others who are going through the wringer, it can be relieving to hear another enunciate what you're actively feeling. Sometimes it DOES suck. Sometimes a stronger, more forceful word is called for because sometimes that's what fits the situation. Am I going to start dropping F-bombs here on the blog? No; I'm trying to keep it family friendly, but that does not mean that sometimes I don't say it... usually referring to one or both of our dogs, but that's beside the point. (Those of you who know our dogs don't need me to draw any word pictures.)

I guess what I'm saying is that I wish each of you at least one friend whose friendship is deep enough that they will not be shocked/disapproving/high and mighty enough to look down on you and your circumstances if you swear in their presence. I want you all to have a tribe who has your back. I want for each of you to be really seen and heard and know that you are loved. And I want you to keep being the people who you are: who reach out, who help each other, and who do the hard, whatever it is, day after day after day, even when it is quite clear there's no thanks or recognition coming. I have many examples of faithfulness and sacrifice in my tribe and I want that for all of you, especially as our culture seems stuck in the "me first" mire at times. Thanks for being part of my tribe. I'm glad you're here. Take a deep breath, risk a little, be real, love hard.